Dear Reader,

Recently, I was working with Annie, my Skillful Means Podcast co-host, on an upcoming episode of the show. We were prepping questions for an interview with a very special guest next month. Annie suddenly asked, "who are we doing all of this for?" By "this," she meant "practice."

It's a good question especially as she and I both live in a hyper-individualized culture that seems to be abandoning all sense of the common good by the second.

The simple answer is, of course, both.

The yoga and Buddhist traditions each offer teachings around the concept that none of us have a "separate self." In Buddhism, we have a something called "dependent origination." What this heady term means is that everything that exists is dependent on the existence of something else. Thich Nhat Hanh's famous talk on how a cloud never dies illustrates this beautifully.

Dependent origination shows us how everything is interconnected.

When we relate this to our practice, we can the draw line between our personal care and the wellbeing of of those closest to us, our communities, our world. When any single one of us suffers, we all suffer. When we take care of ourselves and each other, we work towards alleviating the suffering of all beings.

My liberation is, therefore, bound up in yours. I practice for you.

That said, as much as we inter-are, we only have actual control over our own experience. The call to alleviate suffering in others isn't about erradicating it. As a parent, this is a lesson I'm struggling to learn. Every cell in my body wants to prevent my child from feeling pain. And I can't.

Instead, through our own practice, we clear out the rubble in our own conditioning that prevents us from showing up in ways that create less suffering. Or to put another way, we don't make things worse by spreading our own pain around.
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When I think about the person I was over 20 years ago before I started engaging with these teachings, I can see how reactive and aggrieved I was. I didn't really know how much I was hurting or how my actions were straining my relationships.

Yoga asana taught me how to find the safe place within myself to land when I'm struggling. My meditation practice creates inner spaciousness so I can examine my pain without it overwhelming me. The Dharma keeps me invigorated. Internal Family Systems gave me a process to heal my wounds.

About 12 years ago, I had the privilege of attending a personal development retreat with John Welwood. You may know him as the therapist and longtime Buddhist teacher who coined the term "spiritual bypassing." I didn't actually know how lucky I was until years later.

On the first night, he offered us the opportunity to share in pairs why we were there. This is a common ice breaker, but instead of jumping in with what was on our cognitive mind, John first led us through a meditative practice of felt sensing. This is an exercise of connecting emotions to body sensations. We know that our emotions live in our body, so this was a way of tapping into what was truly motivating us to be there.

My cognitive mind would have said that I was there because it was a requirement for a program I was in, and I love learning, and blah blah blah. My body told me I was there so I could learn to be a more present and engaged parent to my then 2yo. I was there because I didn't want to screw up my kid. I was there because I was carrying around a lot of unprocessed stuff from my childhood that I didn't want to pass on.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm a perfect parent. I eff things up all. the. time. And I still get unreasonably annoyed with other driver's on the road. I'm still more likely to get mad first and apologize for angry outbursts later.

But I'm a lot better. My inner world is more harmonized. I'm more at home in my own skin. I'm carrying around fewer wounds than I used to. And this lighter load enables me to be the kind of person that has the bandwidth to be there for others.

So do we practice for ourselves? Yes. This is deeply personal work.

But it's not selfish. The less disregulated we are, the more available we are to bring forth kindness, compassion, a sense of the common good, creative problem solving, willingness to collaborate, willingness to reach across barriers, a softening of othering, more energy to give to the causes and projects we care about most.

In a nutshell, from Thich Nhat Hanh:

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New on Skillful Means Podcast

I'm a little late getting this month's letter out, so there are that many more episodes to point you to since my last message. It's a great time to catch up!
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~ In the most recent guided practice, I'm sharing a teaching on mindful standing, something you can do any time you're waiting in line. It's one of my favs.
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~ Listen to Annie convince me that there is a place for Wonder & Whimsy in our practice.
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~ And check out our surprisingly deep look at Kindness and Generosity.

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New Parts Mapping Sessions!

I'm super excited to tell you about my new Parts Mapping pacakge - 3 targeted IFS sessions to get you clartiy around a specifc challenge.

I love, love, love parts mapping. It's perfect for people who have trouble connecting to their parts with meditations or "check-ins," in part (har har), because mapping is tactile.

I can help you take that jumble in your head and get it out on paper so you can more easily see how to navigate your way through whatever challenge you're facing.

Parts Maps reveal what's hidden. If you're feeling stuck, this series of 3 sessions can help.

I'm taking bookings for Parts Mapping Sessions between now and early June. If you could use a bit of help with something discreet - OR - you've been thinking of trying out IFS, get in touch.

Find Out More

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Practice With Me

​Yin Yoga & Mindfulness​
​Online, Mondays 6-7pm EDT (NYC)​
Sweet and simple Yin practice with mindfulness woven throughout. Pay What You Can.

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Until next time, may you find peace within and peace all around.​
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